I don’t know if you know this
But it is a very difficult thing to lose the person you love most
To be told
That after all of the years
In which you never broke faith
The love that you had thought was deepening
Was still growing inside of you
Is Done
And it happened overnight
And I don’t know if you know this
But it is a very difficult thing to find
Despite all of the protests
To be told
That there is another one
To which they’d rather give love
The love that I had thought was guaranteed
Was promised as family
Just Gone
And it happened overnight
And like the aftermath of a well-aimed bludgeon it is bloody
And if you are lucky it heals over time but it may take months or even years
Especially if you are in the habit of trusting the hands that delivered the stunning blow
And it will ache when the cold whistles through
And it will ache in the night
When you forget all about the battle and its outcome and bleary faced
Your sleep heavy eyes suddenly widen in recognition
Of the awful
Of the painful truth
As it blossoms in flashes and crashing waves in your waking head.
I don’t know if you know this
But I privilege honesty above so many other less important things
The Awful
The Painful Truth.
That sometimes I have been so sore inside
That I have blazed with anger
And I am not an angry girl
I like to take a step back and a deep breath
I like to find the good in people
I like to look to find something to love even in the hardest places.
And I am not a vindictive one
I turn sick inside at the thought of causing hurt or damage to another
Even those who really should
Have known better than to do so to me and to mine
And especially those who really are
The main priority in my life
I don’t know if you know this
About me or if you have forgotten
But it happened overnight that I could not sleep a wink
For thinking that you might have
And I don’t know if you know this
I certainly didn’t until very recently
I have always tried to pick myself up and
To dig deep to send more love where I see it lacking
To push it down the paths carved out by the sharp end of life
But apparently
We all have a breaking point
Even those who try to keep a lid on
Who try to find the positive spin
Who try to fix things by working harder and being kinder
Even these ones snap
And you can imagine
How excruciating in this case
The thought
That a single little outburst in the blackest of times
One prompted by a final shitty situation
After the weight of so many others
Could cause the whole perception of me to alter
In everything I try to deal with life in honesty
Which unfortunately can be ugly sometimes.
And I have tried so hard to be good in all this
Because I definitely know this
Yes
I have not forgotten
That there is a very precious girl whose heart is also on the line
I do not need reminding
I don’t know if you know this
About me or if you have forgotten
But I am still grieving and I may be for some time
For that person that was most special to me and that life that is now gone
Vanished without my consent
A nauseous surprise
But I still plead his case when it is not my job any longer
I still insist on his presence
Even when it sends me spinning in the worst of ways.
And now it seems that I must grieve for others that I have held close
That have put me at arms length at a time when
All I really need
Is to be seen as my wilful earnest and unwavering self
A self that makes mistakes too
Although I may always struggle to see a truthful reaction being worked through as one of these
All I really need is holding close in care
As I would if the shoe were on the other foot
Rather than being set in a state of worry
Am I really rendered so unapproachable
By an outpouring of hurt
Misinterpreted as a twist of spite
I don’t know if you know this
And I say it with no bitterness so please don’t read me wrong
But I expect so much of myself and often do so much for others
That I am consistently surprised
When the same effort is not returned
Because in my head that state of effort is just how things are
But by now I should have learned and I shouldn’t be so shocked
But I am too fully formed to change this now
I have been told over and over that there will be casualties in this
Unexpected ones
But I would like to keep them limited
I am broken and I am flawed and I may never be fixed
But I always try to do my best
I don’t know if you know this
But I privilege honesty above so many other less important things
The Awful
The Painful Truth
And I would expect you tell me if you thought
I had taken things too far