Before the snow
I had been wishing for 34 years
For those flakes to fall on my birthday
To tumble down and wipe the world clean
To settle in crisp white sheets and brighten the day
Reflecting light and giving people
Some time for playing or for relaxing in the warm
With the folk that matter the most
Bringing life back into our fingertips
Hovering hands over the radiator
A snowman grinning in the front garden
While commuters cars sit dormant on the slippery road
Before the snow
A short while before
Leaves had tumbled from the trees
And collected in large drifts which I kicked
Sometimes with playful glee
But often at that time
I kicked them hard as I let tears run down my face
And hoped for a happy ending that did not arrive
Not with him at least
So they lay there in a dark pool
Transformed into black ice now beneath the litter
With a design to make me slip
Before the snow I hadn’t
Quite realised how cold my home had been
How for some time his heart had been cased in permafrost
My own calling out to a partner who had fallen away
Like a frostbitten toe
And been carried elsewhere by the sharp shock of an emotional avalanche
Neither one of us had prepared for
A wall of frozen cutting icy crystals
A glacial scraping of valleys of pain through my days
He sits there in his unsuitable jacket with a terrible determination
Committed now to an inability to thaw
The snow arrived in a blizzard
And I tried desperately to avoid snow blindness
Pointed my feet back home and crunched along the frozen ground
Seeking small patches of thawed out earth
To give my feet some purchase and bring balance back to my careful body
I worried about slipping onto the unforgiving floor
Breaking out in dark angry bruises
Broken hearted breaking bones
But then I remembered
That a sure step was the most stable and tried to invest
The contents of my shoes with confidence
Forging a way forward
Navigating back towards a place that might be filled with warmth
The morning after my 34th Birthday
The snow arrived in a blizzard
All we could do in that moment was watch it float down
As prayers for it to settle were answered
And we watched the view from my window change
Into a Dickensian winter-scape
Huddling close beneath blankets and drinking deeply from mugs of tea
That we held almost as close as you sat there holding me and
Consciously revelling in the simple joy of that moment
Feeling substantially present and in the presence of happiness
Before the snow
I had no idea
That you were waiting too
In a shelter of your own making a hand built igloo cosy in the cold
A construction filled with warmth despite its frozen materials
Wishing for someone to share
These new moments and building memories
I hadn’t expected but I relish this beautiful surprise
And like the snow you altered the landscape
My expectations are painted fresh
And whilst my past cannot be white washed and still sits there underneath
You have made me gleam just
By emphasising the simple shape of me
By laying down some crisp white sheets on these tired foundations
That will feel washed clean when the snow melts
But for now in this layer of fresh fallen care that you have gifted to me
I see your footsteps and I decide to change my own path
I see your foot
Step
And I place each deliberate step of my own
Right there
Next to each of yours
